


This Feeling Won't Last

by InsaneRedDragon



Series: Grains of Sand [7]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Emotional Infidelity, M/M, Mission Related Infidelity, They don't stay together, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-08-27 17:49:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8410849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsaneRedDragon/pseuds/InsaneRedDragon
Summary: For thisbirdhadflown's prompt: Harry and Eggsy are together, but they have to hide their relationship from the rest of Kingsman- Harry, as Arthur, is forbidden from fraternizing with subordinates. It's not fun to hide the relationship away; Eggsy is a little resentful, and Harry feels a bit guilty.





	1. Chapter 1

When Bedivere rounded the corner, Harry dropped his hand casually back to his side and continued to talk about Eggsy’s upcoming three month long undercover mission. Eggsy immediately missed his heat, the cool air of the hall felt sharp against his cheek.

He closed his eyes, and tried to focus on what Harry was saying, tried to ignore the bitter ache that was starting to become a permanent fixture in his chest. His face must have betrayed him, because Harry suddenly trailed off. With a deep breath, Eggsy opened his eyes and took in his lover's face.

To anyone else his expression would seem unchanged, just Arthur talking to one of his knights. But Eggsy had spent enough time memorizing his face to recognize the tension around his eyes, the tick of his jaw as he looked at Eggsy.

With a sigh, Eggsy carefully put on a smile. “Sorry, Arthur, was there anything else you wanted to discuss?”

For a beat Eggsy thought Harry might touch him, take his hand and lace their fingers together in reassurance. His stomach lodged in his throat when he saw Harry’s arm move, but it quickly fell when Harry clasped his hands behind his back and stepped away.

“No, Galahad, I believe we’re done. I know you have things to do before your departure tomorrow. Let me know if anything comes up before then. Otherwise, good luck.”

Eggsy gave a curt nod as a sour taste settled in his mouth. Without a word he turned his back to Harry and headed toward his office. As he walked he reminded himself he just needed to get through the day. Tonight he could go to Harry’s flat and Harry would spend the night touching and reassuring him in the ways he couldn’t while they were at the mansion. As Eggsy slipped inside his office and closed the door, he pointedly ignored the tiny voice that whispered it wasn’t enough.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So [thisbirdhadflown](https://thisbirdhadflown.tumblr.com/) won my 200 follower giveaway on tumblr and asked for a continuation of this fic. If you read the first chapter when it was just a prompt fill, you'll want to go back and reread it as I added more once I knew that I would be continuing.

There was no question that Harry missed Eggsy. His sleep was broken, his side cold and empty without Eggsy’s clinging arms and legs. His house was too quiet even with JB’s whining for his master and barking at leaves blowing in the garden. Three weeks into Eggsy’s mission and Harry was still making too much for breakfast, too groggy before his first cuppa to remember that Eggsy wasn’t there to waggle his eyebrows and tell him a gentleman would make their guest an extra serving of bacon. 

But there was also a guilty part of him that was relieved for the space. He hadn’t realized how much time he’d spent restraining himself - holding his hands at his sides to keep from touching, swallowing the endearments that threatened to spill from his lips. Focused more on Eggsy and what he couldn’t do than his job.

Some days the need to be close to Eggsy was too much, and he’d allow himself a moment's reprieve to brush his fingers over Eggsy’s cheek or whisper his love against the shell of Eggsy’s ear. But it never lasted long enough to satisfy either of them. Privacy was a foreign concept in a spy agency where the quartermaster had eyes everywhere. Especially when Merlin had made it clear that there would be no exceptions to the no fraternizing rule, even for his oldest friend.

But for the first time since they had decided to make a go of it, he walked around the mansion at ease. His constant vigilance for Eggsy’s presence temporarily relaxed. It felt like removing a well loved, but ill fitting piece of clothing - a mixture of disappointment and relief.

Merlin noticed the first day, arching his eyebrow in the telltale way he did when Harry was doing something suspicious. But other than mentioning that Harry was welcome to stop by his office only if he kept him out of whatever had him so chuffed, he didn’t say anything else about it.

And so it went. He spent his days at the mansion, once again enjoying his work, even if now it was prepping mission briefings instead of writing mission reports, intelligence analysis instead of intelligence acquisition. He was a Kingsman, and there was nothing to distract him from it.

In the evenings he would sit in his office and pull up Eggsy’s glasses feed. Drink in hand he would watch as Eggsy hung off of the target’s arm at the latest gala or opening, and his heart would ache. Sometimes he’d catch Eggsy’s reflection in a window or a mirror and he’d pause the feed and imagine being the cause of the smile on Eggsy’s face (his real smile, not the stiff version now frozen on his screen).

One evening, six weeks into Eggsy’s mission, Harry paused the feed and drained his glass, not even tasting the twenty-four year old scotch. As he stared at the screen, his hand gripped the glass tight, knuckles white as he forced himself not to throw it against the wall. 

On the screen was Eggsy’s reflection in the mirrored wall of an elevator, eyes closed and head thrown back in laughter. His arm was tucked around the target’s waist, and the man had his nose burrowed into Eggsy’s throat. 

Harry knew from the notes on Eggsy’s mission update that they were coming back from a concert, likely to spend the rest of the evening in bed together. But that wasn’t what had him so pained now.

He reversed the feed to where they entered the elevator and let it play straight through to when they stepped off. Pause. Rewind. Play. Again and again, punctuated only by tumblers of scotch.

Much later, when he’d finally stumbled fully clothed into his bed, he was still haunted by the sound of Eggsy’s laughter and the intensity of his smile. The real one, that Harry had only ever elicited from Eggsy on their scant few days off together. The one that was always followed by a bruising hug and a furtive declaration of love against his skin.

Harry passed out with his face buried in Eggsy’s pillow and his heart torn.


	3. Chapter 3

Two days into his mission, and Eggsy missed Harry’s voice. 

Rodrigo, the target, had definitely been interested when he’d met the charming English gentleman at the Museu Nacional de Arte Antiga’s opening gala. They’d exchanged numbers, and gone for lunch, but it was still early in their  _ relationship _ and there was lots of downtime where Eggsy simply played the part of a rich young man summering in Lisbon for the first time, to keep up his cover.

Sitting in his villa, he was tempted to call Harry - to ask after JB and have Harry tell him about the annoyances of paperwork just to have his voice in his ear as he tucked in to sleep. But as much as he wanted to, he knew that he couldn’t. He was undercover and he wouldn’t risk everything just to hear Harry tell him that he loves him. 

He went to sleep to the sound of the ocean instead.

Five days in and Eggsy missed Harry’s heartbeat.

That morning Eggsy had received an encrypted message on his glasses. It was brief, just a quick note from Merlin that Rodrigo’s men had done their homework on his alias and it’d passed inspection (not that Eggsy had doubted Kingsman thoroughness).

That evening Eggsy had been wined and dined and swept to Rodrigo’s luxurious home, where they’d quickly tumbled into bed.

It wasn’t too difficult to get it up under Rodrigo’s ministrations, but Eggsy was thankful for his youth in staying that way. Rodrigo was considerate and gentle, and also a completely mediocre lover. But a fuck was a fuck, and Eggsy could still appreciate his cock in a warm mouth, regardless of skill.

It wasn’t until they were both sated and clean, wrapped up against one another that Eggsy’s mind drifted to Harry. Eggsy was tucked up against Rodrigo’s side, head on his chest and heart beating slowly under his ear. But the rhythm was wrong, not the familiar  _ thump-thump _ of Harry’s, and Eggsy felt something twist in his chest.

He fell asleep with a sour taste in his mouth, after having rolled so his face was to the pillow instead.

By three weeks into the mission, Eggsy was spending most of his time with Rodrigo. Days were filled with trips to beautiful parks and open air markets. Sometimes he had meetings at his house, but Eggsy was allowed to stay and given free reign to make himself comfortable. Evenings were expensive dinners and theatre shows and a couple of rounds of sex.

It was an easy routine to fall into, pretending to be the smitten young lover. They bumped shoulders and held hands. Rodrigo had taken up the habit of calling Eggsy  _ xodó _ and brushing his hair off of his forehead. It was strange to be so open about their relationship, and Eggsy couldn’t help the blush that stained his cheeks whenever Rodrigo did those things in sight of other people, even as he wished it was Harry with him instead.

During the sixth week, Eggsy was finally invited to be Rodrigo’s plus one to the party Kingsman needed access too. It was easy for him to be excited, the end goal of this mission was finally in sight, and a genuine smile crossed his face as he let the man pull him into an embrace. 

They had very little information about the higher-ups in the cartel Rodrigo was part of. It had taken countless man-hours of work to uncover Rodrigo’s name as one of only a select few allowed to handle their accounts.

Eggsy had taken the mission fully expecting to have to grit his teeth and try not to let his disgust show through as he wormed his way into the man’s life. But that turned out not to be the case. Rodrigo may have worked the books for the cartel, but he turned a blind eye to the deeper going ons. He didn’t ask questions, and he wasn’t entrusted with any secrets or involved directly with any of the business. Eggsy had found there was very little to hate about Rodrigo other than his choice of work.

His heart ached for Harry at night, when the room was dark and Rodrigo snored softly behind him. Eggsy wanted nothing more than for the mission to be over and to be back in London, safely wrapped up in Harry’s bed with the man whispering adoration into the nape of his neck. 

But in the bright light of day Harry was only a fleeting thought. Instead, Eggsy relished in the attention, in being seen with his partner. Every day was easier than the last, and Eggsy resolutely didn’t think about what he would do when he’d completed the mission.

The night of the party, Eggsy planted bugs and trackers on anyone that seemed important, between bouts of dancing and snogging. And although nothing went wrong, Eggsy felt on edge, adrenaline pumping through his veins. Rodrigo spent his time showing Eggsy off, proud and confident in the young man he’d managed to woo and bed.

Later, after Merlin had left a message telling him they had everything they needed, Eggsy had let Rodrigo take him back home and ridden out the unspent adrenaline on his cock. He chased his release and tried not to think about the strange hollow feeling that pushed against his ribs.

Two days later Kingsman called in a tip to the police about some drugs, unrelated to the cartel or the party, and Eggsy watched as they kicked down the door. A few greased palms, some strings pulled, and they didn’t even look at Eggsy as they hauled Rodrigo out the door.

The tears weren’t fake when he kissed Rodrigo’s cheek as he was pushed into the back of the cop car, although they weren’t because the man he loved was being arrested, as Rodrigo may have thought. Eggsy shed tears for the open relationship he had been able to have with someone. His sorrow was for losing the ability to hold hands, and kiss, and call each other pet names without fear,  _ without shame _ . 

When he was finally left alone, he was emotionally exhausted and wanted nothing more than to just take the jet back to London and find Harry and pretend like everything was the same - that it was enough. But they’d waited to arrest Rodrigo to keep Eggsy’s alias intact. So instead of just hopping a cab to the airport, he returned to his villa and started packing his things.

It was only sixteen hours later, on board a private charter jet, that Eggsy finally let himself sag into his seat and call Harry.

“Hello?”

All the remaining tension bled from his shoulders at the sound of Harry’s voice. “Hey Haz.”

“Ah, Eggsy. I take it you’re on your way back?” There was suddenly a strange note in Harry’s voice, and a crease formed on Eggsy’s brow.

“Yeah, just took off. Needed to hear your voice.”

Harry cleared his throat. “Merlin kept me informed of your progress. It sounds like it all went according to plan. I’m still at the shop, but why don’t we debrief in the morning instead of you coming all the way in. Is there anything time sensitive that we need to discuss tonight?”

Eggsy expression soured more. If Harry was at the shop it meant they couldn’t speak freely. He wasn’t sure if Harry was hoping he’d go straight to Harry’s house for the night, or if he was trying to avoid seeing him until the morning. Eggsy decided that he was too tired to try and decipher the hidden meaning in his words, and tendrils of unease from gripped his stomach.

“Nope, nothing that can’t wait. I’ll pop by the shop first thing then.”

There was an awkward silence, filled with the sounds of the jet engine and the popping in Eggsy’s ears. Finally, Eggsy spoke. “Well, I’ll see you in the morning then. Good night, Arthur.”

He hoped that he managed to keep the resentment he felt bubbling in in his throat out of his voice, but he knew he’d failed when he heard Harry sigh.

“Good night, Galahad.”

Eggsy ended the call and tossed his phone to the side. The nauseous feeling in his stomach grew worse, and he knew it had nothing to do with the flight.


	4. Chapter 4

The conversation had been inevitable. Harry had known it was coming for much longer than he would ever admit. But it didn’t make it any easier to see Eggsy hovering in the doorway, anxiety written all over his face.

“We need to talk.”

“Of course. Come in, Eggsy,” Harry said and gestured to the chair in the corner. It had been a warm evening and Harry had the balcony doors open to let in the breeze. He wondered if he should get up and close them, if what was coming would end in raised voices echoing across the path for the neighbors to hear. 

Before he could decide, Eggsy started speaking.

“I think it’s pretty obvious things ain’t been the same since I got back.”

Harry nodded once and Eggsy smiled - a small, self deprecating thing that Harry never wanted to see on his face again - before he continued. 

“Yeah. I’d say that’s all my fault, but we both know that ain’t quite the truth.”

“Eggsy…” Harry started even though he was uncertain of how he’d continue.

Eggsy held up his hand and Harry closed his mouth. “No, Harry. Just… just give me a minute, yeah?”

Harry watched as he dropped his hand back to his lap and his fingers started fidgeting against his jeans.

“Honestly, Harry, things haven’t been that great for a while now. I knew when we decided to make a go of it that it’d be hard. But I love you, Harry, so damn much. I figured it’d all work out. But…”

“It hasn’t.” Harry sighed. “I know it hasn’t.”

Eggsy sat up at that, leaned forward in his chair and looked at Harry like he hadn’t since he was a candidate - as though Harry could do anything, answer any question, make everything right. It made his heart ache.

“Well, what do we do about it?”

“I think we have to make a choice.” 

Harry thought about the moment he’d seen Eggsy on his mission, happy and laughing and in someone else's arms. He considered again the conclusion that he’d come to the next morning, that he had quickly tucked away and refused to think about again until now.

“Eggsy, I’ve been a Kingsman agent for thirty-four years. I was Galahad far longer than I was ever simply Harry Hart.” He turned his head towards the balcony, unable to keep looking at Eggsy’s face as he spoke.

“I’m not...I don’t think there is anything left of me that doesn’t belong to Kingsman, except perhaps the part of my heart you’ve managed to claim as your own. There will never be a question as to the choices I’ll make.”

Eggsy stood up abruptly, braced his hands against the desk and leaned into Harry’s space. “After everything I’ve been through, you can’t  _ possible  _ be asking me to be the one to give it up! I wasn’t lying when I told you I had nothing to lose. But now, the shop, you and Merlin and Roxy, it’s everything. And what about when Chester betrayed you, when Valentine put his hand on that desk? I  _ ended  _ it. I deserve to be here!”

Under any other circumstances Harry would have been irritated at Eggsy’s unchecked anger, a trait he had been working to tame in the newest Galahad. Instead he only felt horror as bile rose in his throat.

“No, Eggsy. Never,” he whispered. Then with more conviction, “I’d never ask you to leave Kingsman.”

Eggsy deflated and sunk back into his seat. “Then what  _ are _ you saying, Harry?”

Harry clenched his fist in his lap and tried one last time to come up with any other solution. The seconds ticked by, but he knew there was no other way. With a deep breath in, he held Eggsy’s gaze. He was Arthur, leader of Kingsman, former Galahad, and he wouldn’t back down from this even if it felt like someone was ripping open his chest.

“I’m saying there’s only one solution. We have to end our relationship.”

The effect of his words was immediate. Eggsy looked as though he was going to vomit.

“No… no, there has to be another way. You can’t just give up on us, Harry! You’re Arthur, why can’t you just change the rules.” Eggsy’s eyes go big, as though he’d just come up with the perfect solution, as though Harry hadn’t considered it a hundred times already since he took on the mantle of Arthur.

“That’s it, right? You just have to convince the rest of the table for a vote. You know you’d have mine…”

“There  _ is  _ no other way, Eggsy!” Harry’s voice rang through the room and Eggsy visibly flinched. Harry closed his eyes and willed himself calm. “There’s a reason that Kingsman are asked not to start families or form attachments, that we are asked to distance ourselves from the ones we already have. Spies can’t have liabilities and Kingsman must always come first. I can not, will not, ask that the rules be changed.”

Silence fell and Harry felt like he’d been gutted, all his strength bleeding out into the space between them. He watched as Eggsy’s jaw clenched, unshed tears shining in his eyes. For a moment Harry thought Eggsy would start begging and tried to steel his resolve. Instead he watched as Eggsy scrubbed at his eyes and let his face go flat. Suddenly Harry wasn’t sitting across from Eggsy, but Galahad

“I guess that’s it then. The rules can’t be changed, and neither of us are gonna give up Kingsman. You’ve got it all figured out.”

Eggsy stood, hands clenched into fists at his sides but face neutral and voice even.

“I’ll take JB with me tonight, and I’ll come back for anything I’ve left here tomorrow while you’re at the shop. I’d appreciate if you had it boxed for me when I arrive. As I still have another four days before I’m back on active duty, this is me informing a superior that I’ll be out of contact during that time. I’ll see you at the shop Monday morning.”

Eggsy turned and strode to the office door, only to hesitate at the threshold. Harry wanted to reach out and call him back, to apologize and offer to retire from Kingsman, but he knew he couldn’t. The pain of losing Eggsy was bright and sharp, but he knew that the pain of losing Kingsman would make him hollow.

When Eggsy looked back over his shoulder, all Harry could see was the heartbreak in his eyes.

“Goodbye, Harry.”

Harry felt rooted to his chair, eyes not moving from the empty doorframe. He listened to Eggsy descend the stairs. JB’s collar jangling and Eggsy’s soft murmurs. The silence as Eggsy gave him one last chance to change his mind, to come down the stairs and fix things. Instead he continued to sit until he heard the front door open and shut, the tread of Eggsy’s shoes and the click of JB’s nails as they walked past the open balcony doors.

He sat for a long time, body numb and mind empty, before he finally found his voice. He stood stiffly and walked to the balcony, staring out past the other houses before whispering into the dark.

“Goodbye, Eggsy.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on tumblr: [insanereddragon](http://insanereddragon.tumblr.com/). I'm always open for 100 word drabble and ficlet prompts.


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